In honor of The World’s Largest Occult Ceremony, I’m offering an Olympics Special. Not only will you go way over budget, as I’ll be overcharging you, but since it’s not your money and nobody will be watching, nobody will care.
The bankers who conjure up fake money so they can buy up real assets like houses and farms, while The People go homeless as they get priced out, tell us there is no inflation. After all, food is FREE, right? I mean, bugs are everywhere, so what are you complaining about?
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Potential customers always ask me, “Jarod, what are you selling over at BearPaw Duck and Meme Farm?” I tell them, “If you don’t know what I’m selling, then you’re the best kind of buyer.”
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The funeral business is the only one with no repeat customers. Though you only die once, why not buy your own funeral from me twice? My Buy One Funeral, Get One FREE deal only applies the second time you purchase a custom Death Party.
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At BearPaw Duck and Meme Farm, we value self-expression—even if that extends to gender. That’s why we sell T-shirts in Men’s, Women’s, and More Expensive. There may be 333 different genders, but we’ll only charge you more money for 331 of them.
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You know those orange construction cones they put out on the highway when doing road work? I’d like to serve you ice cream in one of those cones, and I’d like for that ice cream to be duck-soup flavored.
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You should be proactive and call BearPaw Duck and Meme Farm BEFORE something breaks on your car. That way we can come out and make sure something needs to get fixed.
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I have a pet bicycle, and when I take it for a walk people look at me like I’m crazy. What, have you never seen an “I Voted!” T-shirt before?
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At BearPaw Duck and Meme Farm, we recognize that low prices shit on quality. I’m talking about a nasty dump in a mop bucket kind of way, which is why we stay clean of gimmicky deals.
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A lollipop is a sucker. So is a flag worshipper. There is no more absurd non-sequitur than celebrating FREEDOM in a country with the highest incarceration rate—and a history of endless warmongering.
