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People from Kansas drive as slow as corn grows. They think just as quickly, too, and I recommend a conversation with a tourist from there as a natural sleep remedy.

2022/01/03 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I am The Mozart of Sportsball. If you think that’s cool, just imagine who I’d be if I actually played.

2021/12/31 jarodkintz11 Comment

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What produces power? Is it money or influence? What if the ultimate power in this dimension is just you working the land and farming?

2021/12/31 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Did you know that music is the only food you eat through your ears? I am the Mozart of the buffet world.

2021/12/31 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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People say jazz music puts them to sleep. As a master saxophone player, I don’t know if they’re trying to insult me or insinuating they found a holistic solution to their insomnia. I hope it’s the latter, because now my music comes in water-soluble tablets to be taken before bed.

2021/12/24 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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In middle school I fought a fat bully, and his punches felt like he had pillows for fists. Too bad he hit like a nap, because I was the one that put him to sleep.

2021/12/22 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I had the hardest time trying to change a light bulb, so my boss called me Thomas Edison. It only took me 10,000 failed attempts to figure it out, but I’d say that was eight paid hours well spent.

2021/12/22 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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One time I got beat up by a post-duck. That pillow hit hard.

2021/12/21 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Why aren’t my shows SOLD OUT? What octogenarian wouldn’t want to hear the songs of his youth?

2021/12/21 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Did you know you have to have a fishing license to go fishing? You do, but I don’t, because my freedom comes to me through God, and not The State.

2021/12/18 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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  • This song will be playing at all the hottest clubs from South Beach to Ibiza, and it will come to define Summer 2022. Babies will be made to this song.
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  • If I wrote a dictionary, would you read it? What if I made it flow like a Nicholas Sparks romance novel?
  • If you are what you eat, then this morning I am nothing. But at least I’m awake, because I’m drinking coffee and I don’t watch mainstream news.
  • If a library has no books, it’s just an empty building, and people would know there had been a heist. But if you burn the library after you loot it, then it’s not a robbery, it’s a loss that won’t be looked for or pursued.
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