Sometimes my kitchen sink doubles as a duck pond. Problem is, I can’t exactly move my diving board, so I have to relocate Greg Louganis Hour to another slot, like one on the toaster.
A mutual fund manager will charge you 1.5% for the service of losing all your wealth. That’s foolish, because if your strategy is to lose all your money, I’ll do it for you for ONLY 1.49%.
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The only basketball player I’ve ever liked is Larry Bird. To me, the only way Larry Bird could be better is if he were Larry Duck.
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This song will be playing at all the hottest clubs from South Beach to Ibiza, and it will come to define Summer 2022. Babies will be made to this song.
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McDonald’s makes my grandma’s leftover meatloaf look fresh. She died in 1999.
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If I wrote a dictionary, would you read it? What if I made it flow like a Nicholas Sparks romance novel?
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If you are what you eat, then this morning I am nothing. But at least I’m awake, because I’m drinking coffee and I don’t watch mainstream news.
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If a library has no books, it’s just an empty building, and people would know there had been a heist. But if you burn the library after you loot it, then it’s not a robbery, it’s a loss that won’t be looked for or pursued.
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Helen Keller was a master at keeping secrets. Perhaps the biggest secret that she kept was that she was a he.
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You cannot buy what’s not for sale. But for a limited time, you can purchase what may or may not exist.
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