America is parched, but instead of being thirsty for Truth and Everlasting Water, Americans are dehydrated of discernment. Without the wind of The Holy Spirit, this land will always be dry.
Being a good cuddler is something that can be taught, but being the best is something you’re born with. Or, in my case, it’s something to be bought. The Trophy Store is now having a two-for-one SALE, so I’m also about to be the best 4D chess player in the world, overtaking Trump.
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People often mistake my extreme athleticism for laziness. They think my cat and I are simply taking a nap, but they don’t realize we are training in the sport known as Cuddling. The only way you get to be World Cuddling Champions is if you train for hours and hours every day.
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My favorite kind of chips are the ones on people’s shoulders. I wish I could bag them up and sell them in vending machines.
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VOTING is the purple drank of revolutionary activities. Sure, it will make you feel good, but it’s not blood-red enough to affect any change.
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You know this virus is real because everyone who tells you to fear it is fake. They’ll even mimic the symptoms in this second wave, so that the morons rush out to get poisoned to get cured.
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Hey, whitey, you should VOTE! Do it for the blacks, the Hispanics, and the gays. Didn’t you hear that Trump is pro LGBT? If the continued funding of Planned Parenthood isn’t enough reason to cheer, do it for Israel. Didn’t you know that Trump converted to Judaism? That’s so MAGA!
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You should VOTE, because if you don’t do your part, then the politicians will feel silly doing their parts. And they were hired to look serious, so you don’t want those actors to feel like they are performers without an audience, do you?
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In 2020, blindfolds aren’t worn over one’s eyes—they’re worn over mouths. The quickest way to spot someone with no insight is to look and see if they are wearing a face mask for a virus that’s so deadly it would lose in a one-on-one fight against Hillary Clinton, who’s still FREE.
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All that separates you from The American Dream is faith. Just believe in things like 9/11 being the work of 19 literal troglodytes, cave dwellers, the six MILLION deaths in The Holocaust, and Santa Claus. These things are true, and you’re not a real patriot if you question them.
