Branson’s got more waterfalls per square mile than any other shape of measuring landmass. Next time, try circles! (Waterproof sticks sold separately.)

2020/02/272020/02/27 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Today is the one that introduces Yesterday to Tomorrow. If it weren’t for Today, Nostalgia would never meet Hope.

2020/02/272020/02/27 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

At April in The Ozarks, we try to be relatable, like an orphan at a family reunion. You should try the meatloaf. It tastes like 1991.

2020/02/242020/02/24 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I’m a modest guy. In fact, in the history of the world, there’s never been anybody more modest than me. I am The World’s Most Modest Man. My modesty is so legendary that I’m thinking of buying myself a custom-made trophy to celebrate and memorialize it.

2020/02/23 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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My favorite part of The Art of War are all the commas. I mean, I guess that’s my favorite part, because I had my pet monkey read the book for me and summarize it using banana analogies.

2020/02/232020/02/23 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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A shopping cart is like a heart, and mine only appears to be empty, but it is in fact full of love for you. And right now all that love is ON SALE.

2020/02/232020/02/23 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I’m now selling a liquid escalator in a bottle for your showering pleasure. It’s an uplifting fragrance.

2020/02/232020/02/23 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I’m also selling Fish-Scented Soap. Each bar comes with a FREE six-pack of beer.

2020/02/232020/02/23 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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When making soap, the most important ingredient I include is Time. What you smell now is not what you smelled then, or what you’ll smell later, and those small fluctuations, those tiny discrepancies, are the spaces occupied by nostalgia, as the mind works to fill in the gaps.

2020/02/232020/02/23 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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If my goal is to get noticed by my Love Interest, will making weird memes get me affection? No, just look at Mike Bloomberg. No, look down. Way down. There he is, all the way down at 5’4″.

2020/02/152020/02/15 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Tag: weird

Branson’s got more waterfalls per square mile than any other shape of measuring landmass. Next time, try circles! (Waterproof sticks sold separately.)

Like this:

Today is the one that introduces Yesterday to Tomorrow. If it weren’t for Today, Nostalgia would never meet Hope.

Like this:

At April in The Ozarks, we try to be relatable, like an orphan at a family reunion. You should try the meatloaf. It tastes like 1991.

Like this:

I’m a modest guy. In fact, in the history of the world, there’s never been anybody more modest than me. I am The World’s Most Modest Man. My modesty is so legendary that I’m thinking of buying myself a custom-made trophy to celebrate and memorialize it.

Like this:

My favorite part of The Art of War are all the commas. I mean, I guess that’s my favorite part, because I had my pet monkey read the book for me and summarize it using banana analogies.

Like this:

A shopping cart is like a heart, and mine only appears to be empty, but it is in fact full of love for you. And right now all that love is ON SALE.

Like this:

I’m now selling a liquid escalator in a bottle for your showering pleasure. It’s an uplifting fragrance.

Like this:

I’m also selling Fish-Scented Soap. Each bar comes with a FREE six-pack of beer.

Like this:

When making soap, the most important ingredient I include is Time. What you smell now is not what you smelled then, or what you’ll smell later, and those small fluctuations, those tiny discrepancies, are the spaces occupied by nostalgia, as the mind works to fill in the gaps.

Like this:

If my goal is to get noticed by my Love Interest, will making weird memes get me affection? No, just look at Mike Bloomberg. No, look down. Way down. There he is, all the way down at 5’4″.

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