People often mistake my extreme athleticism for laziness. They think my cat and I are simply taking a nap, but they don’t realize we are training in the sport known as Cuddling. The only way you get to be World Cuddling Champions is if you train for hours and hours every day.

2020/10/18 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

Don’t just VOTE. Run to your nearest Voting Factory like you’re on a treadmill. I’ll be sitting in a chair with wheels, because my Jaguar is in the shop again—and it’s ON SALE.

2020/10/14 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

A priest and a rabbi walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “Sorry, we don’t serve little boys here.” Then Mitch McConnell walked in and said, “Guys, follow me. I have a few fresh captures locked in my dungeon.”

2020/10/09 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

When I was a child, I wanted to be a cowboy. But now that I am grown, I want to be a cowman.

2020/09/20 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

Gravy is my favorite sports drink. Try chugging it the next time you run so far your legs feel like mashed potatoes.

2020/09/18 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

Being the fastest man to run while remaining seated comes with perks. Right now, I have three sponsorship options. Nike, of course, La-Z-Boy, naturally, and the third group that wants to pay me is The National Association of Handicapped Parking Space Painters.

2020/09/17 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

My advice to you is if you feel like you’re losing, give yourself a pep talk. Be your own coach. How do you do that? For ONLY $19.95, I can coach you to be your own coach. Lessons even come with a FREE trophy!

2020/09/13 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

I drink every ounce of beer like it’s a liquid gold coin. Craig at Cheeky Monkey made me feel like a Swiss vault—and at piggybank prices.

2020/09/06 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

I’m such a good dancer that I make marble statues look fluid. The only thing I do with more enthusiasm is VOTE.

2020/09/06 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

My only note for Branson’s Anthems of Rock is what I tell potential buyers at my Tupperware Parties: You can never have too much Meatloaf. It makes such perfect Leftovers that a whole show could be done from the classic love ballad that’s beloved by fans of all hearing ranges.

2020/09/06 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

Tag: weird meme

People often mistake my extreme athleticism for laziness. They think my cat and I are simply taking a nap, but they don’t realize we are training in the sport known as Cuddling. The only way you get to be World Cuddling Champions is if you train for hours and hours every day.

Like this:

Don’t just VOTE. Run to your nearest Voting Factory like you’re on a treadmill. I’ll be sitting in a chair with wheels, because my Jaguar is in the shop again—and it’s ON SALE.

Like this:

A priest and a rabbi walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “Sorry, we don’t serve little boys here.” Then Mitch McConnell walked in and said, “Guys, follow me. I have a few fresh captures locked in my dungeon.”

Like this:

When I was a child, I wanted to be a cowboy. But now that I am grown, I want to be a cowman.

Like this:

Gravy is my favorite sports drink. Try chugging it the next time you run so far your legs feel like mashed potatoes.

Like this:

My advice to you is if you feel like you’re losing, give yourself a pep talk. Be your own coach. How do you do that? For ONLY $19.95, I can coach you to be your own coach. Lessons even come with a FREE trophy!

Like this:

I drink every ounce of beer like it’s a liquid gold coin. Craig at Cheeky Monkey made me feel like a Swiss vault—and at piggybank prices.

Like this:

I’m such a good dancer that I make marble statues look fluid. The only thing I do with more enthusiasm is VOTE.

Like this:

My only note for Branson’s Anthems of Rock is what I tell potential buyers at my Tupperware Parties: You can never have too much Meatloaf. It makes such perfect Leftovers that a whole show could be done from the classic love ballad that’s beloved by fans of all hearing ranges.

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