If this book were a hotel, it’d be Waldorf Astoria, only funnier

Certain books are written without any consideration to page length, and lack forethought as to what dimensions constitute the perfect height for utilizing the book as a leveling tool on the floor under the leg of a wobbly table or chair. This book is not one of those books. Not only that, but if you take the amount of pages this book has, divide by Pi, factor in the Fibonacci sequence, and multiply by Orafoura you get the Kepler Triangle found in the Great Pyramid of Giza.”

As Pythagoras probably once noted, “a2 + b2 is not for the illiterate.” Geometry is the alphabet soup of math, and “Dolph and Erasmus” is the chicken noodle soup of eggrolls.

If you like adventure, I mean really, really, really like adventure, as in you think Shackleton was a sissy, then this book is for you.

Plot summary: (WARNING: Plot spoiler) A gritty cop, John McClane, (played by Bruce Willis) arrives in the Big Apple to spend Christmas with his main squeeze (played by Doris Orange). Upon entering her office building he discovers that it, like Poland in 1939, has been invaded and occupied by a German genius with a mustache.

This evil mastermind, Hans Gruber, (played by Severus Snape from Harry Potter) turns out to be only interested in money, much to the chagrin of McClane’s wife, who has fallen madly in love with him in what psychologists refer to as Stockholm Syndrome (named after the city in Germany following the kidnapping of Poland in 1939).

Wait, maybe that’s not a synopsis of “Dolph and Erasmus” at all, but rather a description of the movie “Das Boot,” which means, loosely translated, “The Shoe,” or more precisely, “The Boot.”

Some books are meant to be read, expanding our mind with every clever turn of phrase, while other books only let us reach greater heights by being stacked up and stood on. This book is not to be stepped on, except mentally, like an escalator, as it takes us to places we have never been before.

Should you purchase this book? In the immortal word of Peter Sellers, “Buy.” Yes, buy this book. That’s my advice and recommendation.

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