You don’t have to have lightning bolts for veins to realize that April in The Ozarks makes you smell powerful. That’s because I took Machiavelli’s complete works and condensed it into a cleansing fragrance.

2020/02/232020/02/23 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Next time a bicycle steals my monkey, I hope another floating head appears to offer emotional support. Maybe next time he’ll bring a matching and connected body, so he can chase down that bicycle thief—that thief of a bicycle.

2020/01/202020/01/20 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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When you wash with April in The Ozarks, I guarantee you’ll be fresh. Maybe not as fresh as a monkey in a fur coat and sunglasses with a gold chain and a slow roll stroll, but pretty close.

2020/01/202020/01/20 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

I once met a man in Branson, and I thought to myself, “Who is this guy?” So I went up to him and said, “Is that you, dad?” He laughed and told me he was younger than me, so I said, “So does that make you my grandpa?” Then I tried to sell him some pills that cure dyslexia.

2020/01/202020/01/20 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Movies are so expensive these days, but if the theater has their bathrooms stocked with April in The Ozarks, and your dapper companion spends two hours washing his hands over and over and you miss the film, then it’s money well spent.

2020/01/202020/01/20 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

I used to give swimming lessons to dolphins, and I can tell you that this mammal has the aquatic talent of tumbleweed in the desert. I also once raced Michael Phelps and won. Not THE Michael Phelps, but A Michael Phelps, though I still think it’s a trophy-worthy accomplishment.

2020/01/202020/01/20 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

Cats are masters at washing with just wetness, so the look of surprise at being able to soap himself clean with April in The Ozarks is The Mount Everest of excitement.

2020/01/202020/01/20 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

Lots of companies brag that they make their products with love, but with organic soap, I am really making it with love. What is a fragrance that triggers heart-fluttering nostalgia if not love?

2020/01/202020/01/20 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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You scream externally with your mouth, but what do you use to scream internally? Doesn’t matter, because if you buy my soap, April in The Ozarks, you’ll only be shouting for joy.

2020/01/202020/01/20 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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The chart of Branson, Missouri on Google Trends from 2004 until today looks like a regular heartbeat. That’s the look of tourism having a stroke in the future.

2019/12/282019/12/28 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Tag: the ozarks

You don’t have to have lightning bolts for veins to realize that April in The Ozarks makes you smell powerful. That’s because I took Machiavelli’s complete works and condensed it into a cleansing fragrance.

Like this:

Next time a bicycle steals my monkey, I hope another floating head appears to offer emotional support. Maybe next time he’ll bring a matching and connected body, so he can chase down that bicycle thief—that thief of a bicycle.

Like this:

When you wash with April in The Ozarks, I guarantee you’ll be fresh. Maybe not as fresh as a monkey in a fur coat and sunglasses with a gold chain and a slow roll stroll, but pretty close.

Like this:

I once met a man in Branson, and I thought to myself, “Who is this guy?” So I went up to him and said, “Is that you, dad?” He laughed and told me he was younger than me, so I said, “So does that make you my grandpa?” Then I tried to sell him some pills that cure dyslexia.

Like this:

Movies are so expensive these days, but if the theater has their bathrooms stocked with April in The Ozarks, and your dapper companion spends two hours washing his hands over and over and you miss the film, then it’s money well spent.

Like this:

I used to give swimming lessons to dolphins, and I can tell you that this mammal has the aquatic talent of tumbleweed in the desert. I also once raced Michael Phelps and won. Not THE Michael Phelps, but A Michael Phelps, though I still think it’s a trophy-worthy accomplishment.

Like this:

Cats are masters at washing with just wetness, so the look of surprise at being able to soap himself clean with April in The Ozarks is The Mount Everest of excitement.

Like this:

Lots of companies brag that they make their products with love, but with organic soap, I am really making it with love. What is a fragrance that triggers heart-fluttering nostalgia if not love?

Like this:

You scream externally with your mouth, but what do you use to scream internally? Doesn’t matter, because if you buy my soap, April in The Ozarks, you’ll only be shouting for joy.

Like this:

The chart of Branson, Missouri on Google Trends from 2004 until today looks like a regular heartbeat. That’s the look of tourism having a stroke in the future.

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