Have you ever considered using used shoes as soup bowls? If it sounds gross, wait until you smell it! But don’t wait too long, because by that time it will be cold and I may no longer have it ON SALE!

2019/03/222019/03/22 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I dance like I play the piano, and by that I mean when you watch my feet move you’d think I have 88 fingers. If you want to be a better lover, there’s a book for that, and I wrote it. You can read it, for ONLY $19.95.

2019/03/182019/03/18 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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When I write my autobiography, it will be a cookbook called “4,321 Ways To Eat Leftover Meatloaf.” The only two unifying elements, besides the Leftover Meatloaf, will the blindfold and the clothespin, to plug your nose. The book’s suggested retail price will be $19.95.

2019/03/142019/03/14 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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For the right price, $19.95, I’ll teach you how to skydive like you’re Greg Louganis. (Band-Aids sold separately.)

2019/03/142019/03/14 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Is there such a thing as too much yum? I’m trying to find out, because I just invented leftover-meatloaf-flavored bubblegum! You know, for lovers.

2019/03/112019/03/11 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Is your favorite Chinese restaurant serving your favorite pet under the guise of chicken? Find out which restaurants in your area are secretly offering Toyota parts on their menu, tonight at 6:00.

2019/03/102019/03/10 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

A broken clock is right twice a day—and that makes NOW the perfect time to buy one, because now when you Buy One Broken Clock, You Get FREE Fake Space! I buy Factory Direct from NASA, so you know my inventory is FRESH.

2019/03/072019/03/07 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

Art as a service is great until you’re forced into the dilemma of: Do you keep The Masterpiece that I sculpted out of wrapping paper, or do you destroy The Masterpiece to discover the original gift inside? Masterpiece versus Mystery. Who will win?

2019/03/052019/03/05 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Cheddar plus toast is grilled cheese, and money plus burnt bread is now ON SALE! Also, sometimes I get the words penis and obelisk mixed up.

2019/03/022019/03/02 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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If you have always wanted to be a fisherman of cash, but just haven’t had the right net to catch it all with, then NOW is your chance to use what the pros use. My net is 100% nylon and Made In America, Argentina.

2019/02/272019/02/27 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Tag: surreal

Have you ever considered using used shoes as soup bowls? If it sounds gross, wait until you smell it! But don’t wait too long, because by that time it will be cold and I may no longer have it ON SALE!

Like this:

I dance like I play the piano, and by that I mean when you watch my feet move you’d think I have 88 fingers. If you want to be a better lover, there’s a book for that, and I wrote it. You can read it, for ONLY $19.95.

Like this:

When I write my autobiography, it will be a cookbook called “4,321 Ways To Eat Leftover Meatloaf.” The only two unifying elements, besides the Leftover Meatloaf, will the blindfold and the clothespin, to plug your nose. The book’s suggested retail price will be $19.95.

Like this:

For the right price, $19.95, I’ll teach you how to skydive like you’re Greg Louganis. (Band-Aids sold separately.)

Like this:

Is there such a thing as too much yum? I’m trying to find out, because I just invented leftover-meatloaf-flavored bubblegum! You know, for lovers.

Like this:

Is your favorite Chinese restaurant serving your favorite pet under the guise of chicken? Find out which restaurants in your area are secretly offering Toyota parts on their menu, tonight at 6:00.

Like this:

A broken clock is right twice a day—and that makes NOW the perfect time to buy one, because now when you Buy One Broken Clock, You Get FREE Fake Space! I buy Factory Direct from NASA, so you know my inventory is FRESH.

Like this:

Art as a service is great until you’re forced into the dilemma of: Do you keep The Masterpiece that I sculpted out of wrapping paper, or do you destroy The Masterpiece to discover the original gift inside? Masterpiece versus Mystery. Who will win?

Like this:

Cheddar plus toast is grilled cheese, and money plus burnt bread is now ON SALE! Also, sometimes I get the words penis and obelisk mixed up.

Like this:

If you have always wanted to be a fisherman of cash, but just haven’t had the right net to catch it all with, then NOW is your chance to use what the pros use. My net is 100% nylon and Made In America, Argentina.

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