Combat is dangerous, and no matter if it’s Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, Muay Thai, or grappling, no Octagon Warrior wants to get put to sleep by a Pillow Fighter. That’s why Dana White won’t sign me to a contract.
Sleeping should be an Olympic sport. I’m not a very good sleeper now, but in four years, training 18-20 hours a day, I just might be World Champion. Do I have the work ethic to train that hard and sleep that long? Ask my Statistics 101 professor.
People often mistake my extreme athleticism for laziness. They think my cat and I are simply taking a nap, but they don’t realize we are training in the sport known as Cuddling. The only way you get to be World Cuddling Champions is if you train for hours and hours every day.
Think how great America would be if every sports bar were replaced with Dank Meme Barns, where patrons turn into workhorses making mockery of local politicians. Why shouldn’t exposing criminality be gamified and bolstered by an environment of camaraderie?
Gravy is my favorite sports drink. Try chugging it the next time you run so far your legs feel like mashed potatoes.
The best way to watch sports is while reading a book with the TV off. Start with The Bible.
The worst part about this Coronavirus Crisis is that since everything has been canceled, I can’t watch sports. It’s true that as a fan I was Helen Kelleresque, but I was just about to get serious about life, and finally start paying attention to what truly matters in this world.
I’m now selling a liquid escalator in a bottle for your showering pleasure. It’s an uplifting fragrance.
In high school, I was on the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I rode the bench.