I was once swimming, thinking I was racing against Michael Phelps, and was like, “Whoa, buddy! Why are you trying to bite my leg off?!” Then I realized it wasn’t actually Michael Phelps, but was a great white shark, and I was wearing a bathing suit made from used Band-Aids.

2021/05/30 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

When math and English have sex, the baby is Algebra. I’m just glad I’m not the father, but to be honest, I was a little concerned.

2021/01/062021/01/14 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

Being a good cuddler is something that can be taught, but being the best is something you’re born with. Or, in my case, it’s something to be bought. The Trophy Store is now having a two-for-one SALE, so I’m also about to be the best 4D chess player in the world, overtaking Trump.

2020/10/23 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

People often mistake my extreme athleticism for laziness. They think my cat and I are simply taking a nap, but they don’t realize we are training in the sport known as Cuddling. The only way you get to be World Cuddling Champions is if you train for hours and hours every day.

2020/10/18 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

The perfect pet is half cat, half waterfall, because you could splash in snuggles, but also take it for a walk down a mountain. But why go through all that work, when you could just take The Ozarks Service Escalator?

2020/05/032020/05/03 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Cats make cuddly pets, but you can’t take them for walks. That’s why I love my pet waterfall, which also makes the splashiest snuggles. However, cats are the superior jazz musicians.

2020/01/242020/01/24 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I’m now selling American Buffalo, but I am completely Out Of Stock. Can I interest you instead in bison? Bison is just as cuddly in soup format.

2020/01/012020/01/01 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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A woman just asked me if I’m good in bed, and I replied, “No, I’m a terrible sleeper. In fact, I’m so inefficient that it takes me twelve hours to do what the average person can do in eight.”

2019/10/082019/10/08 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I’m also trying to get a shoe sponsorship, because why buy low and sell high when I don’t have to buy at all? #RethinkRetailArbitrage

2019/03/302019/03/30 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

giphy-43

Many elderly waterfalls move to Branson to retire, and if you decide to adopt a Snuggly Splash Factory, you need to buy adequate aqua equipment to properly care for these gurgling geriatrics.

2019/03/272019/03/27 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Tag: snuggle

I was once swimming, thinking I was racing against Michael Phelps, and was like, “Whoa, buddy! Why are you trying to bite my leg off?!” Then I realized it wasn’t actually Michael Phelps, but was a great white shark, and I was wearing a bathing suit made from used Band-Aids.

Like this:

When math and English have sex, the baby is Algebra. I’m just glad I’m not the father, but to be honest, I was a little concerned.

Like this:

Being a good cuddler is something that can be taught, but being the best is something you’re born with. Or, in my case, it’s something to be bought. The Trophy Store is now having a two-for-one SALE, so I’m also about to be the best 4D chess player in the world, overtaking Trump.

Like this:

People often mistake my extreme athleticism for laziness. They think my cat and I are simply taking a nap, but they don’t realize we are training in the sport known as Cuddling. The only way you get to be World Cuddling Champions is if you train for hours and hours every day.

Like this:

The perfect pet is half cat, half waterfall, because you could splash in snuggles, but also take it for a walk down a mountain. But why go through all that work, when you could just take The Ozarks Service Escalator?

Like this:

Cats make cuddly pets, but you can’t take them for walks. That’s why I love my pet waterfall, which also makes the splashiest snuggles. However, cats are the superior jazz musicians.

Like this:

I’m now selling American Buffalo, but I am completely Out Of Stock. Can I interest you instead in bison? Bison is just as cuddly in soup format.

Like this:

A woman just asked me if I’m good in bed, and I replied, “No, I’m a terrible sleeper. In fact, I’m so inefficient that it takes me twelve hours to do what the average person can do in eight.”

Like this:

I’m also trying to get a shoe sponsorship, because why buy low and sell high when I don’t have to buy at all? #RethinkRetailArbitrage

Like this:

Many elderly waterfalls move to Branson to retire, and if you decide to adopt a Snuggly Splash Factory, you need to buy adequate aqua equipment to properly care for these gurgling geriatrics.

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