9/10 dentists recommend my toothpaste. Now available in a Brand New Flavor: Extra Squishy Pink Slime! (Tastes just like a McDonald’s hamburger.)

You never learn more about customer service than you do when you’re in the trenches of a Great War.

There I was, in WWI, being attacked on all sides by the Vietnamese jungle, when I found myself out of Adult Diapers.

With my Portable Vending Machine out of commission, due to its wheelbarrow’s tire having been shot off by IRS agents, I was in desperate need of assistance.

That’s when I saw him. He floated down from the clouds like a bronzed statue of Beyonce, wearing golden roller skates and a nametag that said, “Kevin.”

I noticed Kevin was carrying a scroll, and without reading it I knew its contents. This was The Lost Secrets of Customer Service, rumored to have burnt up with the Library of Alexandria.

That’s when a #TruthBomb exploded next to me, leaving me disoriented and discombobulated.

As if by osmosis, I was absorbing all The Archaic Wisdom of The Sages Throughout The Ages.

I felt empowered, as if I could hop directly from being a fry cook at McDonald’s all the way up to cashier, maybe even surpassing the friendliness and performance of The Kiosks, who make great friends, but poor co-workers, both because they stole all the glory that should have been mine and because they don’t get paid for the work that they do.

No longer would Dennis, my 16-year-old boss, treat me like I was some sort of needy infant, always demanding money in exchange for labor. Now Dennis would see my True Value, and would reward me accordingly. Soon I’d be richer than Solomon, and wiser too, armed with the knowledge obtained in this book.

I’m rating this book five stars, because Amazon caps the limit. But if I could, I’d rate it like Abraham’s seed, as it deserves to accumulate all the stars of heaven. This is a book for all generations, and the best time to buy it is yesterday. But you can’t, so I suppose RIGHT NOW is the silver medalist of perfect times to buy.


Click here to see this product on Amazon.

In a world of fake, real is where the money is

Ben Bernanke and Janet Yellen walk into a bar. They must be doing the Limbo, because that bar is set so incredibly low.

In a healthy economic recovery, a store closing means they’ll reopen the following morning. Under this sham recovery from 2009, it means closing forever.

According to Business Insider, Sears is secretly closing more stores than the incredibly large number they previously whispered. If mannequins could talk, they’d tell you to run.

But according to Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen, “The simple message is — the economy is doing well.”

As USA Today put it, “Eight years after the Great Recession ended, it’s finally starting to feel like a normal economy again.”

And by normal they mean if you have the vision and insight of a man with his head lodged deep in his own anus.

CNN offers this perspective, “Stores are closing at an epic pace. In fact, the retail industry could suffer far more store closures this year than ever.”

But real is too expensive. All they have to offer is #FakeNews and #FakeMoney.

ZeroHedge has dubbed this upcoming event the “Retail Apocalypse.”

They have documented this slow-motion train crash for months, and they recently said,

“As you know, the United States is rapidly descending into the ‘retail apocalypse’ with over 21 retailers closing 3591 stores in 2017.”

To avoid the inevitable death spiral that looms in our economy, and to secure safety, I’d recommend buying gold, silver, and Bitcoin.

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