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Tag: sales

It’s like my good friend Elon Musk said, “If you don’t shop at BearPaw Duck & Meme Farm, you’ll wish you were born as a hologram, because I’m going to Mars to be with other beings of light, so go buy a Tesla and starve.”

2021/01/122021/01/14 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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BearPaw Duck & Meme Farm now offers FREE refills on T-shirts. Buy one shirt, and fill it as many times as you’d like.

2021/01/122021/01/14 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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No live bats are injured in the making of my Duck Soup. To mimic the flavor of FlyingMouse, I use black powdered CaveBird of the variety that used to be shoved inside of muskets to make them fire.

2021/01/072021/01/14 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I once had a pet tornado, but Kansas asked me to stop walking it on its lawn. I was so offended that I spilled myself on my lunch and stained by BBQ sauce with my T-shirt. This design has the same fighting twist as my old cuddling companion, and is now FOR SALE.

2021/01/032021/01/14 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Rembrandt painted portraits, The Karate Kid painted fences, and I paint my ducks’ beaks a brighter orange to boost sales. But I’m not a snob—I still consider those other two guys to also be artists.

2021/01/022021/01/14 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I can coach you how to become the next Michael Phelps—but not the Michael Phelps of swimming. No, I’ll teach you how to sleep like a pro. And if you don’t fall asleep during class, I won’t think you’re a good student.

2020/12/312021/01/14 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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My cousin doesn’t know my name, so he calls me Marie The 13th. I told him, “Please, call me Mr. The 13th. Marie is my father’s name.” Family reunions are always awkward because nobody there is related to me. Still, I give them all discounts on BearPaw Duck Farm omelets.

2020/12/30 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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At BearPaw Duck Farm, we don’t like customer service, because we don’t believe the customer should have to pay and help out too.

2020/12/28 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I also sell REAL donut holes. Unlike those fake donut holes, that are composed entirely of donut, my donut holes are made of 100% pure emptiness. There’s nothing there, and THAT is how you know you’ve bought an authentic donut hole.

2020/12/26 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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People always ask me, “Jarod, BearPaw Duck Farm makes the BEST SwimmingBird Soup. So, what’s the secret ingredient?” Simple: Swimming. You don’t have to be Michael Phelps to figure that out.

2020/12/20 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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  • Dr. Gibsmedat is right. Where’s my fake money?!
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  • The way water sits still in a glass and holds its shape, that’s how I dance. Luckily for you, I am now offering FREE refills.
  • Dance critics all over the world have called my body moves, “Sculpturesque,” “As full of motion as a Rodin statue,” and “Like watching Helen Keller eat Jell-O with her elbows.” My dancing is so still and silent that it belongs on a shelf in a library, next to other great literature.
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