I can coach you how to become the next Michael Phelps—but not the Michael Phelps of swimming. No, I’ll teach you how to sleep like a pro. And if you don’t fall asleep during class, I won’t think you’re a good student.

2020/12/312021/01/14 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

Sleeping should be an Olympic sport. I’m not a very good sleeper now, but in four years, training 18-20 hours a day, I just might be World Champion. Do I have the work ethic to train that hard and sleep that long? Ask my Statistics 101 professor.

2020/12/312021/01/14 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

I have a long-running joke about Roger Bannister. Well, not THAT long. It’s exactly a mile, but the joke is under four minutes.

2020/12/29 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

I like winning almost as much as I like not losing. That’s why I shop at The Trophy Store, because for ONLY $19.95, I can be the best at anything in the world—and I don’t even have to practice or compete.

2020/12/16 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

Don’t just VOTE. Run to your nearest Voting Factory like you’re on a treadmill. I’ll be sitting in a chair with wheels, because my Jaguar is in the shop again—and it’s ON SALE.

2020/10/14 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

Gravy is my favorite sports drink. Try chugging it the next time you run so far your legs feel like mashed potatoes.

2020/09/18 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

Being the fastest man to run while remaining seated comes with perks. Right now, I have three sponsorship options. Nike, of course, La-Z-Boy, naturally, and the third group that wants to pay me is The National Association of Handicapped Parking Space Painters.

2020/09/17 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

Rocky 4 is #1, and while Rocky is Rocky 1, it’s still #2. Rocky 2 is somewhere in the middle, like the year 1212. It’s time to take that time out of the freezer and reheat it in a volcano, like you’d do with any other leftovers.

2020/06/232020/06/23 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I dance like my legs are made of Jell-O. I know, exotic and romantic, right? But my dancing also now comes in Duck Soup Flavor, and is FOR SALE in small, medium, and buffet-style.

2020/06/122020/06/12 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

giphy-11

I’m now selling Duck-Soup Popsicles in vintage meatloaf colors. The flavor of 1991 has never looked so good while camping. Just ask Bigfoot.

2020/05/012020/05/01 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Tag: running

I can coach you how to become the next Michael Phelps—but not the Michael Phelps of swimming. No, I’ll teach you how to sleep like a pro. And if you don’t fall asleep during class, I won’t think you’re a good student.

Like this:

Sleeping should be an Olympic sport. I’m not a very good sleeper now, but in four years, training 18-20 hours a day, I just might be World Champion. Do I have the work ethic to train that hard and sleep that long? Ask my Statistics 101 professor.

Like this:

I have a long-running joke about Roger Bannister. Well, not THAT long. It’s exactly a mile, but the joke is under four minutes.

Like this:

I like winning almost as much as I like not losing. That’s why I shop at The Trophy Store, because for ONLY $19.95, I can be the best at anything in the world—and I don’t even have to practice or compete.

Like this:

Don’t just VOTE. Run to your nearest Voting Factory like you’re on a treadmill. I’ll be sitting in a chair with wheels, because my Jaguar is in the shop again—and it’s ON SALE.

Like this:

Gravy is my favorite sports drink. Try chugging it the next time you run so far your legs feel like mashed potatoes.

Like this:

Rocky 4 is #1, and while Rocky is Rocky 1, it’s still #2. Rocky 2 is somewhere in the middle, like the year 1212. It’s time to take that time out of the freezer and reheat it in a volcano, like you’d do with any other leftovers.

Like this:

I dance like my legs are made of Jell-O. I know, exotic and romantic, right? But my dancing also now comes in Duck Soup Flavor, and is FOR SALE in small, medium, and buffet-style.

Like this:

I’m now selling Duck-Soup Popsicles in vintage meatloaf colors. The flavor of 1991 has never looked so good while camping. Just ask Bigfoot.

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