Don’t just VOTE. Run to your nearest Voting Factory like you’re on a treadmill. I’ll be sitting in a chair with wheels, because my Jaguar is in the shop again—and it’s ON SALE.
Tag: running
Gravy is my favorite sports drink. Try chugging it the next time you run so far your legs feel like mashed potatoes.
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Being the fastest man to run while remaining seated comes with perks. Right now, I have three sponsorship options. Nike, of course, La-Z-Boy, naturally, and the third group that wants to pay me is The National Association of Handicapped Parking Space Painters.
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Rocky 4 is #1, and while Rocky is Rocky 1, it’s still #2. Rocky 2 is somewhere in the middle, like the year 1212. It’s time to take that time out of the freezer and reheat it in a volcano, like you’d do with any other leftovers.
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I dance like my legs are made of Jell-O. I know, exotic and romantic, right? But my dancing also now comes in Duck Soup Flavor, and is FOR SALE in small, medium, and buffet-style.
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I’m now selling Duck-Soup Popsicles in vintage meatloaf colors. The flavor of 1991 has never looked so good while camping. Just ask Bigfoot.
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Some people sleepwalk, but I sleeprun. The other night I breezed through a whole marathon. Good thing I was wearing my Nike Air Zoom Alphafly Next%s, because I was able to cover the distance in record time—without waking up my cat, who was curled up next to me the whole slumber.
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I’m a bit of a marathon runner myself. I once ran for Class President, and I only lost by 26.2 miles. It was a tight race.
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Coffee makes you shit, but that doesn’t mean you should drink shitty coffee. Why buy a cup full of good coffee, when you could sip what I sell out of a diaper?
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I once ran five miles an hour. It took me two hours to build up that kind of speed. I built it using 100% recycled material.
