Some people sleepwalk, but I sleeprun. The other night I breezed through a whole marathon. Good thing I was wearing my Nike Air Zoom Alphafly Next%s, because I was able to cover the distance in record time—without waking up my cat, who was curled up next to me the whole slumber.

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When I go jogging at night, and it’s pitch black, my shadow always takes the opportunity to run off and go grab a beer, because he thinks his actions are camouflaged and invisible to me. But when he gets fat and no longer mirrors my body, he’ll bring shame to The Shadow Community.

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