Ben Bernanke and Janet Yellen walk into a bar. They must be doing the Limbo, because that bar is set so incredibly low.

In a healthy economic recovery, a store closing means they’ll reopen the following morning. Under this sham recovery from 2009, it means closing forever.

According to Business Insider, Sears is secretly closing more stores than the incredibly large number they previously whispered. If mannequins could talk, they’d tell you to run.

But according to Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen, “The simple message is — the economy is doing well.”

As USA Today put it, “Eight years after the Great Recession ended, it’s finally starting to feel like a normal economy again.”

And by normal they mean if you have the vision and insight of a man with his head lodged deep in his own anus.

CNN offers this perspective, “Stores are closing at an epic pace. In fact, the retail industry could suffer far more store closures this year than ever.”

Retail sales may be going #TheWayOfLazarus, but unless we have sound money playing the role of Jesus, there won’t be a resurrection.

— Senator Jarod Kintz (@JarodKintz1) May 15, 2017

But real is too expensive. All they have to offer is #FakeNews and #FakeMoney.

ZeroHedge has dubbed this upcoming event the “Retail Apocalypse.”

They have documented this slow-motion train crash for months, and they recently said,

“As you know, the United States is rapidly descending into the ‘retail apocalypse’ with over 21 retailers closing 3591 stores in 2017.”

To avoid the inevitable death spiral that looms in our economy, and to secure safety, I’d recommend buying gold, silver, and Bitcoin.