I’m such a good dancer that I make marble statues look fluid. The only thing I do with more enthusiasm is VOTE.
I can’t tell a politician to go fuck himself without a Conservative saying that’s offensive language that has no place in civilized society. Oh, so profanity is beyond the moral limit, but fraudulent war and unborn baby murder is cool?
I’m shocked to learn I’ve been saying the word joke wrong. My whole life I thought it was pronounced joke, like choke with a j, but it turns out it’s actually spoken as MAGA.
To be a good shopper, you must spend as little money as possible to get as much quantity and quality as possible, but to be a great shopper, you must spend other people’s money. Next time you’re in a store, think like a politician.
I was recently crowned Salesman of The Century. It’s a one-hundred-year honor that I was able to obtain for $44.44 at my local Trophy Store.
America’s biggest export is war, which means we switched from making widgets to manufacturing death, so it’s not surprising that McDonald’s tastes like a coffin.
The thing I like most about politicians is the, um, the thing that, um, well, hmmm the, uh, the whatchacallit, the, um, um, well, I don’t know, but surely there must be a thing, just one thing to like about politicians.
If you buy a politician, do you get FREE refills for life? What about if you rent the crook?