Neiman Marcus will be out of business by next year, unlike me, who was never IN business to begin with, so I can make entrepreneurial missteps and then repackage them as Dancing Lessons.

2019/09/14 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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When people ask me, “Why are you so weird?” I like to reply, “Why isn’t Duck Soup made with frogs?” It’s a good question, because I’ll bet Fried Duck Soup would jump right off the menu.

2019/08/242019/08/24 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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If you were to write the most romantic piece of literature imaginable, it would look exactly like our tax code. All eight trillion pages.

2019/04/14 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I was speaking to someone the other day, and it was good to finally hear both supreme wit and profound discernment. I need to talk to myself more often.

2019/04/092019/04/09 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I also have a Kyle-shaped mannequin for sale, but I named it Squiblob, after its mother. We fell in love before I realized she was just using me for sex.

2019/04/09 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Is there such a thing as too much yum? I’m trying to find out, because I just invented leftover-meatloaf-flavored bubblegum! You know, for lovers.

2019/03/112019/03/11 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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If you have always wanted to be a fisherman of cash, but just haven’t had the right net to catch it all with, then NOW is your chance to use what the pros use. My net is 100% nylon and Made In America, Argentina.

2019/02/272019/02/27 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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When buying something that’s ON SALE, always remember what my grandpappy used to say, “It doesn’t matter how cheap a thing is, if you don’t need it, make like Leftover Meatloaf in tinfoil and go to the moon!”

2019/02/10 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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My coffee is now ON SALE at 5 for $10 plus $89.75, for a total of $19.95 EACH. Incredible! Not only is it expensive, but it’s awful, like Starbucks.

2019/02/082019/02/08 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Yesterday I took my pet 88 for a walk for what seemed like forever, but it wasn’t. No, it took double forever, which is like a really long time plus another really.

2019/01/222019/01/22 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Tag: nonsense

Neiman Marcus will be out of business by next year, unlike me, who was never IN business to begin with, so I can make entrepreneurial missteps and then repackage them as Dancing Lessons.

Like this:

When people ask me, “Why are you so weird?” I like to reply, “Why isn’t Duck Soup made with frogs?” It’s a good question, because I’ll bet Fried Duck Soup would jump right off the menu.

Like this:

If you were to write the most romantic piece of literature imaginable, it would look exactly like our tax code. All eight trillion pages.

Like this:

I was speaking to someone the other day, and it was good to finally hear both supreme wit and profound discernment. I need to talk to myself more often.

Like this:

I also have a Kyle-shaped mannequin for sale, but I named it Squiblob, after its mother. We fell in love before I realized she was just using me for sex.

Like this:

Is there such a thing as too much yum? I’m trying to find out, because I just invented leftover-meatloaf-flavored bubblegum! You know, for lovers.

Like this:

If you have always wanted to be a fisherman of cash, but just haven’t had the right net to catch it all with, then NOW is your chance to use what the pros use. My net is 100% nylon and Made In America, Argentina.

Like this:

When buying something that’s ON SALE, always remember what my grandpappy used to say, “It doesn’t matter how cheap a thing is, if you don’t need it, make like Leftover Meatloaf in tinfoil and go to the moon!”

Like this:

My coffee is now ON SALE at 5 for $10 plus $89.75, for a total of $19.95 EACH. Incredible! Not only is it expensive, but it’s awful, like Starbucks.

Like this:

Yesterday I took my pet 88 for a walk for what seemed like forever, but it wasn’t. No, it took double forever, which is like a really long time plus another really.

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