Nietzsche: Philosopher, poet, and mustache connoisseur extraordinaire

Thus Spoke Zarathustra is a difficult book to read, particularly if you are asleep. But I wasn’t asleep, I was only pretending to be asleep! You know, to take advantage of those who claim to be awake.

Channeling his inner Christ, Socrates, and Orafoura, Nietzsche gave voice to a mute mystic named Zarathustra. Chronicling his spiritual development and preemptively establishing the modern notion of postmodern ennui and apathy that accompanies everyone being at once anonymous and also mentally famous, Nietzsche was generations ahead of the World Beard and Mustache Competition.

Me, me, today it’s all about me, so make me into a meme! Remember my name because you’ll be forgetting it later. Lose your religion, your mind, and finally your identity as you find yourself without a home, taking shelter under the glorious mustache of a 19th-century intellectual giant.

Live in a cave as a caveman might live, but remember: You are not a caveman, despite the assurances of your mother that your derelict father was a caveman. The truth is, you are so modern you are primitive. You alone stand above man because you are Overman!

You shine like a gold-star sticker, and I’ll distribute four of them to you for being so super. So in the spirit of Orafoura and handing out stars, I give this book five stars.

And remember, just because you’re Superman, doesn’t mean you don’t have to wear a condom. In the immortal words of Nietzsche, “Syphilis? Is that some ancient Greek philosopher I’ve never heard of?”

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