Tag: michael phelps
The Flash can run, Aquaman can swim, and Superman can fly. Basically, every duck is like a Triple Superhero, and I think that’s worth a few billion dollars in ticket sales.
I was once swimming, thinking I was racing against Michael Phelps, and was like, “Whoa, buddy! Why are you trying to bite my leg off?!” Then I realized it wasn’t actually Michael Phelps, but was a great white shark, and I was wearing a bathing suit made from used Band-Aids.
I make BearPaw Duck and Meme Farm’s World Famous SwimmingBird Soup out of four ingredients: Duckling, water, swimming, and Liquified Michael Phelps Motivational Quotes. It’s the last one that gives it that golden flavor.
I can coach you how to become the next Michael Phelps—but not the Michael Phelps of swimming. No, I’ll teach you how to sleep like a pro. And if you don’t fall asleep during class, I won’t think you’re a good student.
Swimming lessons now available at 2020 Olympics ticket prices. Each practice is flavored like a kangaroo chase, and you get FREE refills.
People always ask me, “Jarod, BearPaw Duck Farm makes the BEST SwimmingBird Soup. So, what’s the secret ingredient?” Simple: Swimming. You don’t have to be Michael Phelps to figure that out.
I used to give swimming lessons to dolphins, and I can tell you that this mammal has the aquatic talent of tumbleweed in the desert. I also once raced Michael Phelps and won. Not THE Michael Phelps, but A Michael Phelps, though I still think it’s a trophy-worthy accomplishment.
Spectators tell me I dance like a flying fish, and it’s true, I am #TheMichaelPhelpsOfBodyAviation, and right now my dancing lessons are ON SALE at defective parachute prices.
I now sell nonsense in small, small-medium, medium, medium-large, large, and large-small. They all come with FREE refills and the same size of cup.