The funeral business is the only one with no repeat customers. Though you only die once, why not buy your own funeral from me twice? My Buy One Funeral, Get One FREE deal only applies the second time you purchase a custom Death Party.

2021/07/16 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

You know those orange construction cones they put out on the highway when doing road work? I’d like to serve you ice cream in one of those cones, and I’d like for that ice cream to be duck-soup flavored.

2021/07/11 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

There is a party tomorrow night. You should go. Oh, by the way, you’re not invited. Neither am I. That’s why you should tell me how it is, detailing the whole evening and event in a notebook that I’ll later read and relive while I sip coffee in bed.

2021/06/05 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

Rocky 4 is #1, and while Rocky is Rocky 1, it’s still #2. Rocky 2 is somewhere in the middle, like the year 1212. It’s time to take that time out of the freezer and reheat it in a volcano, like you’d do with any other leftovers.

2020/06/232020/06/23 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Perhaps a coffin maker is the one salesman who can’t entice customers with Buy One Get One FREE. Especially if that customer is single, because he’s divorced and broke, from paying a fancy wedding DJ.

2019/09/042019/09/04 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Funerals are so expensive these days that if I should die, don’t buy me a coffin, just bury me in a Tupperware Container and leave me in the back of the fridge with the Leftover Meatloaf.

2019/04/142019/04/14 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I met a nice girl at my father’s funeral, and I’d like to say, Hello, grandma!

2019/04/092019/04/09 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Next time you have a funeral, you should hire a better DJ. Also, the cheese dip tasted a little funky, like a 1970s disco hit, and I like my queso smoother, like love songs from the 80s.

2019/02/162019/02/16 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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The Waterfall is Closed For Business, because its father just died. I ask you to kindly let it grieve, and in the meantime, would you support the funeral costs by buying a pair of Used Hiking Boots? (They even come included with Leftover Meatloaf inside.)

2019/01/272019/01/27 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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You are what you consume, and I guess that makes me an all-you-can-eat buffet. Come to my funeral for discounted prices on ALL remaining body parts.

2018/08/242018/08/24 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Tag: funeral

The funeral business is the only one with no repeat customers. Though you only die once, why not buy your own funeral from me twice? My Buy One Funeral, Get One FREE deal only applies the second time you purchase a custom Death Party.

Like this:

You know those orange construction cones they put out on the highway when doing road work? I’d like to serve you ice cream in one of those cones, and I’d like for that ice cream to be duck-soup flavored.

Like this:

There is a party tomorrow night. You should go. Oh, by the way, you’re not invited. Neither am I. That’s why you should tell me how it is, detailing the whole evening and event in a notebook that I’ll later read and relive while I sip coffee in bed.

Like this:

Rocky 4 is #1, and while Rocky is Rocky 1, it’s still #2. Rocky 2 is somewhere in the middle, like the year 1212. It’s time to take that time out of the freezer and reheat it in a volcano, like you’d do with any other leftovers.

Like this:

Perhaps a coffin maker is the one salesman who can’t entice customers with Buy One Get One FREE. Especially if that customer is single, because he’s divorced and broke, from paying a fancy wedding DJ.

Like this:

Funerals are so expensive these days that if I should die, don’t buy me a coffin, just bury me in a Tupperware Container and leave me in the back of the fridge with the Leftover Meatloaf.

Like this:

I met a nice girl at my father’s funeral, and I’d like to say, Hello, grandma!

Like this:

Next time you have a funeral, you should hire a better DJ. Also, the cheese dip tasted a little funky, like a 1970s disco hit, and I like my queso smoother, like love songs from the 80s.

Like this:

The Waterfall is Closed For Business, because its father just died. I ask you to kindly let it grieve, and in the meantime, would you support the funeral costs by buying a pair of Used Hiking Boots? (They even come included with Leftover Meatloaf inside.)

Like this:

You are what you consume, and I guess that makes me an all-you-can-eat buffet. Come to my funeral for discounted prices on ALL remaining body parts.

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