If he’s shorthanded, I guess he’s not a pianist. Well, neither am I, but that doesn’t stop me from trying to book myself performances at birthday parties, weddings, and elevator rides.
If more people knew about gematria, Vegas would go broke. Football is scripted, except instead of using letters, each season is plotted out by the numbers.
Pele popularized the bicycle kick, but I created the unicycle kick. It’s like the bicycle kick, only it requires more balance and one less wheel. It’s best viewed when the scent of freshly cut grass is on the breeze, and soft jazz saxophone is playing in the background.
Football is just a numbers game. I’m talking about gematria.
When you arrive at BearPaw Duck Farm, ask for Natalie. Natalie doesn’t work here, and nobody here knows anybody named Natalie, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask for her. We have a cozy lobby where you can wait for her, with comfy wooden benches and cold coffee to drink.
Bank tellers used to hand out suckers to the children waiting in line. Growing up I loved it, because where else could I get free VOTERS?
I love my cousin, and I’d never lie to him. Not only because I love him, but because he’s deaf, which means he reads body language like The Florida State University football team reads Dr. Seuss, and you can try to deceive with your words, but your body will always betray you.
Why plan for a doomsday disaster when you could just drink beer and watch football? Funeral home directors everywhere thank you for your inaction.
Someone showed me a clip of a Kansas City Chiefs game, and there was a camera shot of the crowd in the stadium, and with all that red and golden-arches yellow, I thought I was watching a mob of people audition to be the next Ronald McDonald. Bunch of clowns.