If you buy enough fries from me, you can become your own bicycle ramp, and then you can actively become part of another person’s dream. Ask me about Bulk Discounts.

2019/01/082019/01/08 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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When I visit a Cuddle Zoo, the only thing I like to pet are Fir Trees. And I always wear gloves, because the Leftover Meatloaf isn’t going to simply heat itself.

2019/01/032019/01/03 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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When McDonald’s brags about serving billions and billions of people, I get disgusted, because that kind of cannibalism shouldn’t be a selling point for customers to continue paying for the opportunity to eat people.

2018/12/282018/12/28 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

When the doctor told me I didn’t have heart problems, but only because I didn’t actually have a heart, as my body has been running off of leftover meatloaf since birth, I could have either cried or offered a Buffet of Love, and for $19.95 you can taste my decision.

2018/11/302018/11/30 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I keep our love close to my heart, and I keep it cold so we can reheat it in the future, when you are ready for Pure Romance.

2018/11/272018/11/27 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

I tried mopping up the ocean using a wig on a stick, and though I completely wasted my energy and time, it was more productive than voting.

2018/11/202018/11/20 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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My Waterfall Lollipops are 100% REAL fake, just like CNN is 100% FAKE real. The fish-piss taste in my Waterfall Lollipops lasts 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, with intermittent Brita-Water-Filter-Commercial-Break-Flavored freshness.

2018/10/052018/10/05 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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It’s true, I could have been a pro fisherman—if somebody, anybody wanted to pay me. But nobody does, so instead I dispense my wisdom for FREE.

2018/09/022018/09/02 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Tag: foodie

If you buy enough fries from me, you can become your own bicycle ramp, and then you can actively become part of another person’s dream. Ask me about Bulk Discounts.

Like this:

When I visit a Cuddle Zoo, the only thing I like to pet are Fir Trees. And I always wear gloves, because the Leftover Meatloaf isn’t going to simply heat itself.

Like this:

When McDonald’s brags about serving billions and billions of people, I get disgusted, because that kind of cannibalism shouldn’t be a selling point for customers to continue paying for the opportunity to eat people.

Like this:

When the doctor told me I didn’t have heart problems, but only because I didn’t actually have a heart, as my body has been running off of leftover meatloaf since birth, I could have either cried or offered a Buffet of Love, and for $19.95 you can taste my decision.

Like this:

I keep our love close to my heart, and I keep it cold so we can reheat it in the future, when you are ready for Pure Romance.

Like this:

I tried mopping up the ocean using a wig on a stick, and though I completely wasted my energy and time, it was more productive than voting.

Like this:

My Waterfall Lollipops are 100% REAL fake, just like CNN is 100% FAKE real. The fish-piss taste in my Waterfall Lollipops lasts 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, with intermittent Brita-Water-Filter-Commercial-Break-Flavored freshness.

Like this:

It’s true, I could have been a pro fisherman—if somebody, anybody wanted to pay me. But nobody does, so instead I dispense my wisdom for FREE.

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