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Tag: food

Did you know that music is the only food you eat through your ears? I am the Mozart of the buffet world.

2021/12/31 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Leonardo’s is right across the street from McDonald’s. I know, a tough choice, right? Do I want to eat ground-up runaway teens marketed and sold as “hamburgers,” or do I want to eat tasty local Italian food?

2021/09/09 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I’m wearing my Star + Ving T-shirt to a buffet. When it’s all-you-can-eat, I don’t just show up hungry. I show up starving.

2021/05/11 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Are you the sort of person who eats dessert before or after dinner? As for me, I do BOTH. I eat dessert, dinner, and then dessert again. Without the desserts on both sides of the dinner, there’d be no balance, and a balanced diet is a healthy diet.

2021/02/03 jarodkintz11 Comment

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During a famine, the farmer is wealthier than the money hoarder. Why? Because you can’t eat gold. Well, not unless you first convert it to Mfzt, monoatomic gold, but then how do you know the white powder you’re eating isn’t cocaine?

2020/12/03 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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When I was a child, I wanted to be a cowboy. But now that I am grown, I want to be a cowman.

2020/09/20 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I make my memes so spicy that I’ve got Popeyes calling me asking me for my recipe. I’ve got to make them hot, because I’m trying to sell mayonnaise.

2020/09/062020/09/06 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Nothing like a little controversy and conspiracy to drum up interest in a business. Speaking of drums, I’m starting a band, and Branson, Missouri—The Musician will be playing keytar.

2020/08/262020/08/26 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Branson offers competitive wages. Its most comparable competitor is a city in China—the place where they have all those slave-labor factories making cheap Walmart products.

2020/08/192020/08/19 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Rocky 4 is #1, and while Rocky is Rocky 1, it’s still #2. Rocky 2 is somewhere in the middle, like the year 1212. It’s time to take that time out of the freezer and reheat it in a volcano, like you’d do with any other leftovers.

2020/06/232020/06/23 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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  • This song will be playing at all the hottest clubs from South Beach to Ibiza, and it will come to define Summer 2022. Babies will be made to this song.
  • McDonald’s makes my grandma’s leftover meatloaf look fresh. She died in 1999.
  • If I wrote a dictionary, would you read it? What if I made it flow like a Nicholas Sparks romance novel?
  • If you are what you eat, then this morning I am nothing. But at least I’m awake, because I’m drinking coffee and I don’t watch mainstream news.
  • If a library has no books, it’s just an empty building, and people would know there had been a heist. But if you burn the library after you loot it, then it’s not a robbery, it’s a loss that won’t be looked for or pursued.
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