Before a fire enters a house, it never asks itself, “Is the front door locked? Should I first knock?” And because it’s so rude, that’s why I never invite it to barbeques.

2019/08/062019/08/06 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

giphy-2

Judeo-Christianity, what is it? Well, Christianity is the Gold Standard, while Judaism is like a 100 Trillion Dollar Zimbabwe central bank note. The former holds its value over time, while the latter presents itself as exponentially superior, but is in fact entirely worthless.

2019/07/122019/07/12 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

Not only do I sell Cheeseburger Milkshakes, but I also sell oven mitts shaped like boxing gloves, so you can more stylishly fight forest fires. You just might wish you had a pair the next time a forest fire comes knocking on your door, after avoiding trees and shrubs and grass.

2019/02/172019/02/17 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Paris may be The City of Love, but The Ozarks are The Place of Romance. And you know this because that’s where I live.

2018/12/042018/12/04 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I know someone who died of a broken heart. At least that’s what I hope the autopsy report shows, because I don’t have an alibi for that person’s last moment on earth.

2018/12/032018/12/03 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Our love is pure like the breeze in The Ozarks, and though I can’t see it, I can feel it, and that fires up all my other senses and torches my soul with desire.

2018/11/302018/11/30 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Thanks to global warming, forest fires are more conscientious and considerate than ever, and they’re even so polite that they’ll burn down just the houses, but leave the lawns and trees and even whole forests in tact and untouched. Now that’s caring.

2018/09/082018/09/08 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

giphy9

A fire may start with a spark, but the fire holds all the glory and provides all the warmth. Women love firemen. Nobody is attracted to sparklers.

2018/07/07 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I dance like #FakeNews is healthy, and right now I’m offering lessons at CNN prices. If you sign up as a Lifetime Member, I’ll probably even give you a heart attack, and I call that kind of bulk deal The McDonald’s Special.

2018/07/04 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

giphy10

I am The Cat Whisperer. Librarians love me, as cats and whispering are their two favorite things. Right now I’m renting both for the price of one.

2018/04/25 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Tag: fire

Before a fire enters a house, it never asks itself, “Is the front door locked? Should I first knock?” And because it’s so rude, that’s why I never invite it to barbeques.

Like this:

Judeo-Christianity, what is it? Well, Christianity is the Gold Standard, while Judaism is like a 100 Trillion Dollar Zimbabwe central bank note. The former holds its value over time, while the latter presents itself as exponentially superior, but is in fact entirely worthless.

Like this:

Not only do I sell Cheeseburger Milkshakes, but I also sell oven mitts shaped like boxing gloves, so you can more stylishly fight forest fires. You just might wish you had a pair the next time a forest fire comes knocking on your door, after avoiding trees and shrubs and grass.

Like this:

Paris may be The City of Love, but The Ozarks are The Place of Romance. And you know this because that’s where I live.

Like this:

I know someone who died of a broken heart. At least that’s what I hope the autopsy report shows, because I don’t have an alibi for that person’s last moment on earth.

Like this:

Our love is pure like the breeze in The Ozarks, and though I can’t see it, I can feel it, and that fires up all my other senses and torches my soul with desire.

Like this:

Thanks to global warming, forest fires are more conscientious and considerate than ever, and they’re even so polite that they’ll burn down just the houses, but leave the lawns and trees and even whole forests in tact and untouched. Now that’s caring.

Like this:

A fire may start with a spark, but the fire holds all the glory and provides all the warmth. Women love firemen. Nobody is attracted to sparklers.

Like this:

I dance like #FakeNews is healthy, and right now I’m offering lessons at CNN prices. If you sign up as a Lifetime Member, I’ll probably even give you a heart attack, and I call that kind of bulk deal The McDonald’s Special.

Like this:

I am The Cat Whisperer. Librarians love me, as cats and whispering are their two favorite things. Right now I’m renting both for the price of one.

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