My cousin doesn’t know my name, so he calls me Marie The 13th. I told him, “Please, call me Mr. The 13th. Marie is my father’s name.” Family reunions are always awkward because nobody there is related to me. Still, I give them all discounts on BearPaw Duck Farm omelets.

2020/12/30 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

Consumers tell me, “Jarod, BearPaw Duck Farm has the longest wait times to reach a customer service representative.” I always reply, “The unsatisfactory products you have to purchase, but the lesson in patience you get for FREE.”

2020/12/27 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

I also sell REAL donut holes. Unlike those fake donut holes, that are composed entirely of donut, my donut holes are made of 100% pure emptiness. There’s nothing there, and THAT is how you know you’ve bought an authentic donut hole.

2020/12/26 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

If Tom Arnold were alive today, what would he say about what’s going on politically? I mean, technically Tom Arnold is still very much alive, but I’d get more insight by asking Tom and Arnold, my two new hires.

2020/12/23 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

Like a kangaroo chase in flavor format, monoatomic gold is also a white powder. I try to not mix up the two and mix in the pure white powder gold, because to any politician, that’s snortable money.

2020/12/22 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

If you’ve ever had my World Famous SwimmingBird Soup, you probably think it tastes like a kangaroo chase. You may wonder, “Is it organic?” The answer is YES! I use 100% REAL powdered kangaroo chase to flavor my soup.

2020/12/21 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

People always ask me, “Jarod, BearPaw Duck Farm makes the BEST SwimmingBird Soup. So, what’s the secret ingredient?” Simple: Swimming. You don’t have to be Michael Phelps to figure that out.

2020/12/20 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

At BearPaw Duck Farm, we don’t support alligator wrestling or any form of animal cruelty. Unless the animal the alligator is wrestling is a politician.

2020/12/20 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

My ducks are ON SALE at Buy Four, Get TWO prices. (Limit three per purchase.)

2020/12/17 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

I like winning almost as much as I like not losing. That’s why I shop at The Trophy Store, because for ONLY $19.95, I can be the best at anything in the world—and I don’t even have to practice or compete.

2020/12/16 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

Tag: dank

My cousin doesn’t know my name, so he calls me Marie The 13th. I told him, “Please, call me Mr. The 13th. Marie is my father’s name.” Family reunions are always awkward because nobody there is related to me. Still, I give them all discounts on BearPaw Duck Farm omelets.

Like this:

Consumers tell me, “Jarod, BearPaw Duck Farm has the longest wait times to reach a customer service representative.” I always reply, “The unsatisfactory products you have to purchase, but the lesson in patience you get for FREE.”

Like this:

I also sell REAL donut holes. Unlike those fake donut holes, that are composed entirely of donut, my donut holes are made of 100% pure emptiness. There’s nothing there, and THAT is how you know you’ve bought an authentic donut hole.

Like this:

If Tom Arnold were alive today, what would he say about what’s going on politically? I mean, technically Tom Arnold is still very much alive, but I’d get more insight by asking Tom and Arnold, my two new hires.

Like this:

Like a kangaroo chase in flavor format, monoatomic gold is also a white powder. I try to not mix up the two and mix in the pure white powder gold, because to any politician, that’s snortable money.

Like this:

If you’ve ever had my World Famous SwimmingBird Soup, you probably think it tastes like a kangaroo chase. You may wonder, “Is it organic?” The answer is YES! I use 100% REAL powdered kangaroo chase to flavor my soup.

Like this:

People always ask me, “Jarod, BearPaw Duck Farm makes the BEST SwimmingBird Soup. So, what’s the secret ingredient?” Simple: Swimming. You don’t have to be Michael Phelps to figure that out.

Like this:

At BearPaw Duck Farm, we don’t support alligator wrestling or any form of animal cruelty. Unless the animal the alligator is wrestling is a politician.

Like this:

My ducks are ON SALE at Buy Four, Get TWO prices. (Limit three per purchase.)

Like this:

I like winning almost as much as I like not losing. That’s why I shop at The Trophy Store, because for ONLY $19.95, I can be the best at anything in the world—and I don’t even have to practice or compete.

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