I was once swimming, thinking I was racing against Michael Phelps, and was like, “Whoa, buddy! Why are you trying to bite my leg off?!” Then I realized it wasn’t actually Michael Phelps, but was a great white shark, and I was wearing a bathing suit made from used Band-Aids.

2021/05/30 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

When math and English have sex, the baby is Algebra. I’m just glad I’m not the father, but to be honest, I was a little concerned.

2021/01/062021/01/14 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

I once had a pet tornado, but Kansas asked me to stop walking it on its lawn. I was so offended that I spilled myself on my lunch and stained by BBQ sauce with my T-shirt. This design has the same fighting twist as my old cuddling companion, and is now FOR SALE.

2021/01/032021/01/14 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

She makes my heart flutter like a butterfly, when before it was still like a rose, and so in return I bought her the most romantic gift ever: A used dishwasher. I would have bought her a new one, but babies splash around too much in the sink.

2020/12/18 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

Being a good cuddler is something that can be taught, but being the best is something you’re born with. Or, in my case, it’s something to be bought. The Trophy Store is now having a two-for-one SALE, so I’m also about to be the best 4D chess player in the world, overtaking Trump.

2020/10/23 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

People often mistake my extreme athleticism for laziness. They think my cat and I are simply taking a nap, but they don’t realize we are training in the sport known as Cuddling. The only way you get to be World Cuddling Champions is if you train for hours and hours every day.

2020/10/18 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

Covering motion stairs with fur does not make a Pet Escalator. Ask me how to convert your retirement nest egg into one giant omelet.

2020/05/192020/05/19 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

giphy-33

The perfect pet is half cat, half waterfall, because you could splash in snuggles, but also take it for a walk down a mountain. But why go through all that work, when you could just take The Ozarks Service Escalator?

2020/05/032020/05/03 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

giphy-9

Drink up your delusion while you still can. FREE refills while supplies last.

2020/03/262020/03/26 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

giphy-25

I cuddle cats, and I catch fish, but I never wrestle with catfish, because I take naps in blocks of time that are wooden and that double as coffee tables. FREE refills while supplies last.

2020/02/152020/02/15 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

giphy-3

Tag: cuddle

I was once swimming, thinking I was racing against Michael Phelps, and was like, “Whoa, buddy! Why are you trying to bite my leg off?!” Then I realized it wasn’t actually Michael Phelps, but was a great white shark, and I was wearing a bathing suit made from used Band-Aids.

Like this:

When math and English have sex, the baby is Algebra. I’m just glad I’m not the father, but to be honest, I was a little concerned.

Like this:

I once had a pet tornado, but Kansas asked me to stop walking it on its lawn. I was so offended that I spilled myself on my lunch and stained by BBQ sauce with my T-shirt. This design has the same fighting twist as my old cuddling companion, and is now FOR SALE.

Like this:

She makes my heart flutter like a butterfly, when before it was still like a rose, and so in return I bought her the most romantic gift ever: A used dishwasher. I would have bought her a new one, but babies splash around too much in the sink.

Like this:

Being a good cuddler is something that can be taught, but being the best is something you’re born with. Or, in my case, it’s something to be bought. The Trophy Store is now having a two-for-one SALE, so I’m also about to be the best 4D chess player in the world, overtaking Trump.

Like this:

People often mistake my extreme athleticism for laziness. They think my cat and I are simply taking a nap, but they don’t realize we are training in the sport known as Cuddling. The only way you get to be World Cuddling Champions is if you train for hours and hours every day.

Like this:

Covering motion stairs with fur does not make a Pet Escalator. Ask me how to convert your retirement nest egg into one giant omelet.

Like this:

The perfect pet is half cat, half waterfall, because you could splash in snuggles, but also take it for a walk down a mountain. But why go through all that work, when you could just take The Ozarks Service Escalator?

Like this:

Drink up your delusion while you still can. FREE refills while supplies last.

Like this:

I cuddle cats, and I catch fish, but I never wrestle with catfish, because I take naps in blocks of time that are wooden and that double as coffee tables. FREE refills while supplies last.

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