I used to give swimming lessons to dolphins, and I can tell you that this mammal has the aquatic talent of tumbleweed in the desert. I also once raced Michael Phelps and won. Not THE Michael Phelps, but A Michael Phelps, though I still think it’s a trophy-worthy accomplishment.

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If you act now, my Dance Lessons are ON SALE. When you buy them you get FREE refills for life. (There is a slight upcharge for ice.)

In this economic collapse, if there is a job opening, 1,000 people apply to it—and it eventually goes to a robot. A kiosk stole my career.

But is my resentment towards @McDonalds growing? No, because I’m growing out a mullet and making a positive change in my personal image.

Maybe you aren’t as fashionable as me, or don’t want the 24/7 #LustFactor that comes with a mullet. Well, have you considered a #FakeMullet?

Wearing a headband with a fake mullet attached just might be the edge you need to separate yourself form your peers during your next job interview.

And then if you’re ready to bring romance back into your life, you can sign up for my Move To Music Like A Wet Puddle Dance Class.

Oh yes, I dance like a wet puddle, because what other kind of puddles are there? Certainly not a dry one. Duh! Don’t be absurd and sign up today!

But in the meantime, buy this AWESOME #FakeMullet:


Tap here to see this AMAZING #FakeMullet on Amazon.