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Love now, not later. Also, love later.

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Tag: celebrate

I like winning almost as much as I like not losing. That’s why I shop at The Trophy Store, because for ONLY $19.95, I can be the best at anything in the world—and I don’t even have to practice or compete.

2020/12/16 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Ah, April in The Ozarks Day. I love this time of year because it lasts all year. It’s the one day of the year that’s all the days of the year, and that makes it special.

2020/04/012020/04/01 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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My favorite bird is Thanksgiving, and I eat it once a year twice, to celebrate being able to celebrate. I take absurdity very seriously, and I suggest you $19.95 while you can still afford it or before it melts into Leftover Meatloaf.

2019/10/162019/10/16 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Our love is too big for us to selfishly try to hoard it all to ourselves, and that’s why I think we should sell the excess to eager customers who all want what we have.

2018/08/302018/08/30 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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There are two kinds of fireworks: The kind that explode in the sky for people celebrating Officially Sanctioned Holidays, and the kind that come from talking shit about Officially Sanctioned Holidays. I prefer the latter, and I make them myself. They’re FOR SALE until July 4th.

2018/06/28 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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At one time in my youth, I loved playing basketball. That was probably the best 30 seconds of my life.

2018/02/202018/02/20 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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  • Here’s an idea: You blame me and I’ll blame you. Then we can both join Howard Jones in singing, “No one is to blame.”
  • Everyone is getting crazier. And poorer. Which is making everyone even crazier.
  • I once wrote a 100,000-word book. But don’t worry, I managed to edit it down to just over one million words.
  • A hundred dollars used to have value. Now it has grown fat and worthless. Or has it grown so skinny as to be useless?
  • If I were the world’s richest man, I’d present myself as the world’s poorest, because I’d want people to want me for me. In fact, I’m so poor I want to be Guinness verified as The World’s Poorest—and I’m even willing to pay for the title (a bribe).
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