I love my cousin, and I’d never lie to him. Not only because I love him, but because he’s deaf, which means he reads body language like The Florida State University football team reads Dr. Seuss, and you can try to deceive with your words, but your body will always betray you.

2020/08/012020/08/01 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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My boot-flavored lollipops are now available in size 15, for that depth of texture statists love. Discounts available for VOTERS.

2020/06/232020/06/23 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I’m a man of faith, I believe. And it’s that very belief that gives me my faith. For me the two are one, like my sale on Frozen Duck Soup Popsicles: Buy Two For The Price Of One! (Offer not valid for residents of Alaska.)

2020/05/232020/05/23 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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TODAY is the last day to take a tour of BearPaw Duck Farm—until TOMORROW. The ticket price today is $19.95, but with the way The Federal Reserve is printing fake money, tomorrow it may cost you ONE TRILLION DOLLARS. Just ask 2005 Zimbabwe.

2020/05/192020/05/19 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I have a doppelgänger who fought in The American Civil War in the 1860s, so people always assume I’m 200 years old. They ask me, “What’s the secret to long life?” Simple: Accept FREE food, but try not to get turned into Duck Soup once you’ve been fattened up.

2020/05/192020/05/19 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Flamingos are pink giraffe ducks. That’s not just a fact—it’s also the promo code for your FREE tour of BearPaw Albino Horseneck Flamingo Farm.

2020/05/092020/05/09 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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As I was petting my cat this morning, it hit me that maybe my cat was stillfully rubbing my hand. In this upside-down world of negative interest rates, can you really be sure of anything except the value of duck eggs?

2020/05/032020/05/03 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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The perfect pet is half cat, half waterfall, because you could splash in snuggles, but also take it for a walk down a mountain. But why go through all that work, when you could just take The Ozarks Service Escalator?

2020/05/032020/05/03 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Isn’t the mortality rate of The Coronavirus something like .003%? I guess Americans think trading 100% of our FREEDOM, and our ability to support ourselves, is a good bargain for something less deadly than drinking Corona beer and driving

2020/04/11 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

Drink up your delusion while you still can. FREE refills while supplies last.

2020/03/262020/03/26 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Tag: cat

I love my cousin, and I’d never lie to him. Not only because I love him, but because he’s deaf, which means he reads body language like The Florida State University football team reads Dr. Seuss, and you can try to deceive with your words, but your body will always betray you.

Like this:

My boot-flavored lollipops are now available in size 15, for that depth of texture statists love. Discounts available for VOTERS.

Like this:

I’m a man of faith, I believe. And it’s that very belief that gives me my faith. For me the two are one, like my sale on Frozen Duck Soup Popsicles: Buy Two For The Price Of One! (Offer not valid for residents of Alaska.)

Like this:

TODAY is the last day to take a tour of BearPaw Duck Farm—until TOMORROW. The ticket price today is $19.95, but with the way The Federal Reserve is printing fake money, tomorrow it may cost you ONE TRILLION DOLLARS. Just ask 2005 Zimbabwe.

Like this:

I have a doppelgänger who fought in The American Civil War in the 1860s, so people always assume I’m 200 years old. They ask me, “What’s the secret to long life?” Simple: Accept FREE food, but try not to get turned into Duck Soup once you’ve been fattened up.

Like this:

As I was petting my cat this morning, it hit me that maybe my cat was stillfully rubbing my hand. In this upside-down world of negative interest rates, can you really be sure of anything except the value of duck eggs?

Like this:

The perfect pet is half cat, half waterfall, because you could splash in snuggles, but also take it for a walk down a mountain. But why go through all that work, when you could just take The Ozarks Service Escalator?

Like this:

Isn’t the mortality rate of The Coronavirus something like .003%? I guess Americans think trading 100% of our FREEDOM, and our ability to support ourselves, is a good bargain for something less deadly than drinking Corona beer and driving

Like this:

Drink up your delusion while you still can. FREE refills while supplies last.

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