Tag: cat
2019 seems to be the year that men becoming women produces yawns induced by boredom. When men start transitioning into cats, wake me up, because it’s not like I don’t already self-identify as one.
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What year is it? I don’t even know, because since I’ve been cuddling with a hologram, I’ve been living in The Future! For ONLY $19.95, you can buy a ticket to the place everyone would pay to go to now, but will eventually end up there for FREE. Save time by spending money!
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Futurists often ask me what’s the secret to sales, and I tell them: “Offer things people don’t want at prices they can’t afford,” and then I tell them I have to go, because I’m late for a meeting in 25 years that starts in five minutes, and they knowingly nod.
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I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am.
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After you buy my Dancing Lessons In A Box, and before you leave a one-star product review on Amazon, you should remember that the box only appears to be empty, but it is in fact full of my love for you.
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When I visit a Cuddle Zoo, the only thing I like to pet are Fir Trees. And I always wear gloves, because the Leftover Meatloaf isn’t going to simply heat itself.
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We all have needs, we all need love, and if you see a need, you need to fill it, because it’s not like you only have a finite amount of love and you have to be stingy. No, try to give it all away you’ll soon realize you have an endless supply of the very thing people need most.
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A vending machine that dispenses cats is a vending machine that distributes tenderness, and it if accepts hugs as payment, those circular displays of affection, then it fully completes The Circle of Love.
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What I love most about my cat is that when I talk, he listens. And by listens I mean sleeps. It’s just another sign I should be a college professor in a huge lecture hall.
