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Tag: cat

The funeral business is the only one with no repeat customers. Though you only die once, why not buy your own funeral from me twice? My Buy One Funeral, Get One FREE deal only applies the second time you purchase a custom Death Party.

2021/07/16 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I also love Fat Donny, but the guy is a misnomer, because he is NOT fat. I need to take him to an all-you-can-eat buffet.

2021/06/05 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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The way Bitcoin tanks, you’d think it was a War Machine. Of course, that’s ridiculous, because if it had rolling treads and a swiveling cannon, it would be more peaceful. If you’re looking for the investment of The Future, try raising farm animals.

2021/05/24 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I’ve been playing the piano since I was six years old. When I finish practicing tonight, in nine minutes, I will have put in a collective three hours mastering this instrument. If you’ve got a bowl full of Asian noodles, I’ve got the Chopsticks.

2021/05/09 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I love the sound of fall leaves crunching under my feet as I walk on them. But wait, those are potato chips, my football helmet is full of nacho cheese, and this is winter. Shop #BearPawDuckAndMemeFarm for a smorgasbord of assorted tasty ear treats.

2021/02/13 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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BearPaw Duck & Meme Farm will be getting a Mouser Cat tomorrow. I posted a No Trespassing sign, but the field mice just refused to keep out of Quackster Castle. So, tomorrow they will meet a mighty hunter of their nightmares.

2021/02/12 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Are you the sort of person who eats dessert before or after dinner? As for me, I do BOTH. I eat dessert, dinner, and then dessert again. Without the desserts on both sides of the dinner, there’d be no balance, and a balanced diet is a healthy diet.

2021/02/03 jarodkintz11 Comment

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The way water sits still in a glass and holds its shape, that’s how I dance. Luckily for you, I am now offering FREE refills.

2021/01/22 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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People always ask me, “Jarod, BearPaw Duck Farm makes the BEST SwimmingBird Soup. So, what’s the secret ingredient?” Simple: Swimming. You don’t have to be Michael Phelps to figure that out.

2020/12/20 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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If you are wise in your own eyes, then you are Helen Keller. I’ll bet you also think you’re a good listener.

2020/12/05 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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  • This song will be playing at all the hottest clubs from South Beach to Ibiza, and it will come to define Summer 2022. Babies will be made to this song.
  • McDonald’s makes my grandma’s leftover meatloaf look fresh. She died in 1999.
  • If I wrote a dictionary, would you read it? What if I made it flow like a Nicholas Sparks romance novel?
  • If you are what you eat, then this morning I am nothing. But at least I’m awake, because I’m drinking coffee and I don’t watch mainstream news.
  • If a library has no books, it’s just an empty building, and people would know there had been a heist. But if you burn the library after you loot it, then it’s not a robbery, it’s a loss that won’t be looked for or pursued.
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