I think “The devil made me do it” is a sound legal argument. After all, you’re sure to elicit sympathy from the man in the abyss-black robe whose job is to keep for-profit prisons stocked with human flesh to torment and torture. He loves it when you call him “Your Honor.”

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I once met a man in Branson, and I thought to myself, “Who is this guy?” So I went up to him and said, “Is that you, dad?” He laughed and told me he was younger than me, so I said, “So does that make you my grandpa?” Then I tried to sell him some pills that cure dyslexia.

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