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I used to want to be a fire fighter, so I custom made my equipment. I mixed oven mitts with boxing gloves, because how else are you supposed to fight a fire? I got choked out in my first match, because my wrestling was weak in comparison to the flames.

2020/01/012020/01/01 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I merged martial arts with wakefulness when I first decided to stir coffee with my karate chop. Sure, every sip tasted like brutal violence, in liquid self-defense format, but you should be glad it didn’t have a kick to it.

2019/11/072019/11/07 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Bravery is knowing that danger is coming, but willingly rushing in to certain slaughter. Wait, that sounds a lot like voting.

2019/04/10 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Not only do I sell Cheeseburger Milkshakes, but I also sell oven mitts shaped like boxing gloves, so you can more stylishly fight forest fires. You just might wish you had a pair the next time a forest fire comes knocking on your door, after avoiding trees and shrubs and grass.

2019/02/172019/02/17 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Thanks to global warming, forest fires are more conscientious and considerate than ever, and they’re even so polite that they’ll burn down just the houses, but leave the lawns and trees and even whole forests in tact and untouched. Now that’s caring.

2018/09/082018/09/08 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Branding 101: Sometimes if you want to compete with the best, you have to offer the worst. This is especially true in the fast food industry.

2018/06/182018/06/18 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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There is a sliding scale of OK, and CNN can only aspire to be a continually fluctuating example of mediocrity.

2018/06/18 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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