Besides being Bigfoot FOR HIRE, I’m also the Chris Evans of Crisis Actors. You can see I’m good, because you don’t even know that you’ve seen me. But you have seen me. Recently I played The Dummy whose life was being saved by TikTok dancers dressed up like nurses and doctors.

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The only people who’ve ever died laughing are still alive to talk about it. That is, until NOW. I may have inadvertently created a device so funny it’s actually a Weapon of War. It’s so potent that FEMA wants to buy it, so they can re-label the deaths as being caused by Covid-19.

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