Dance critics all over the world have called my body moves, “Sculpturesque,” “As full of motion as a Rodin statue,” and “Like watching Helen Keller eat Jell-O with her elbows.” My dancing is so still and silent that it belongs on a shelf in a library, next to other great literature.
Rembrandt painted portraits, The Karate Kid painted fences, and I paint my ducks’ beaks a brighter orange to boost sales. But I’m not a snob—I still consider those other two guys to also be artists.
I dance like both my shoes are nailed to the wall. It goes way beyond mere performance and into the realm of art. I am the Rodin of the music world.
As a portrait artist, I’m the best at handling chopsticks while drawing, and for ONLY $19.95 I can draw you in such a way that no matter what you look like, you’ll resemble Rasputin. You’ll also look like a love letter, so you’ll have the essence of romance.
Of all the things I can draw, I’m best at drawing a blank. But this only happens when someone asks me why we need Central Banksters.
My skills and resources are scarce, so be sure to book my services before all the pages are filled up and it’s FOR SALE in paperback format on Amazon for $19.95.
I’m also offering Painting Classes. Paint like a master by painting over masterpieces. Improve on The Mona Lisa by adding a mustache, you creative genius. $19.95 per session.
The Art of The Sale is all about hiding your brush strokes. In that regard, I am a Renaissance Master. Sign up for my class: “How To Sell Like da Vinci Painted,” and if you register within the next ten minutes, you’ll pay ONLY $19.95.
I learned to draw the old-fashioned way—while not paying attention in math class. Let me teach you the art born of boredom and distraction.