I play the trumpet like my cheeks are on fire, which is why I don’t play the trumpet. And I would make flame-scented soap, but I think shower water would extinguish its essence.

2020/01/242020/01/24 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Cats make cuddly pets, but you can’t take them for walks. That’s why I love my pet waterfall, which also makes the splashiest snuggles. However, cats are the superior jazz musicians.

2020/01/242020/01/24 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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A bar of soap on a stick is a lollipop of sorts—if your kid has a filthy mouth. If your son ever says something like, “Taxes are the price we pay to live in a civilized society,” you should wash his mouth out immediately.

2020/01/242020/01/24 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I like the circus, because they make a business out of being a clown show. But I hate The Chamber of Commerce in Harrison Arkansas, because they make a clown show out of business.

2020/01/24 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I’d have more respect for The Chamber of Commerce if they sold red, rubber noses, because at least they’d be honest about being a clown show. They recently gloated about bringing in a national fitness chain, despite this small town already having TWO locally owned gyms.

2020/01/242020/01/24 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Next time a bicycle steals my monkey, I hope another floating head appears to offer emotional support. Maybe next time he’ll bring a matching and connected body, so he can chase down that bicycle thief—that thief of a bicycle.

2020/01/202020/01/20 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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When you wash with April in The Ozarks, I guarantee you’ll be fresh. Maybe not as fresh as a monkey in a fur coat and sunglasses with a gold chain and a slow roll stroll, but pretty close.

2020/01/202020/01/20 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

Movies are so expensive these days, but if the theater has their bathrooms stocked with April in The Ozarks, and your dapper companion spends two hours washing his hands over and over and you miss the film, then it’s money well spent.

2020/01/202020/01/20 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

If Subway’s chicken is only 50% chicken, so what? I’m 50% chicken, too. (The other half of me is pure coward.)

Tag: absurd

I play the trumpet like my cheeks are on fire, which is why I don’t play the trumpet. And I would make flame-scented soap, but I think shower water would extinguish its essence.

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Cats make cuddly pets, but you can’t take them for walks. That’s why I love my pet waterfall, which also makes the splashiest snuggles. However, cats are the superior jazz musicians.

Like this:

A bar of soap on a stick is a lollipop of sorts—if your kid has a filthy mouth. If your son ever says something like, “Taxes are the price we pay to live in a civilized society,” you should wash his mouth out immediately.

Like this:

I like the circus, because they make a business out of being a clown show. But I hate The Chamber of Commerce in Harrison Arkansas, because they make a clown show out of business.

Like this:

I’d have more respect for The Chamber of Commerce if they sold red, rubber noses, because at least they’d be honest about being a clown show. They recently gloated about bringing in a national fitness chain, despite this small town already having TWO locally owned gyms.

Like this:

Next time a bicycle steals my monkey, I hope another floating head appears to offer emotional support. Maybe next time he’ll bring a matching and connected body, so he can chase down that bicycle thief—that thief of a bicycle.

Like this:

When you wash with April in The Ozarks, I guarantee you’ll be fresh. Maybe not as fresh as a monkey in a fur coat and sunglasses with a gold chain and a slow roll stroll, but pretty close.

Like this:

Movies are so expensive these days, but if the theater has their bathrooms stocked with April in The Ozarks, and your dapper companion spends two hours washing his hands over and over and you miss the film, then it’s money well spent.

Like this:

If Subway’s chicken is only 50% chicken, so what? I’m 50% chicken, too. (The other half of me is pure coward.)

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I once bowled a perfect 300. This is Sparta! (Dishwasher sold separately.)

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