If I were the world’s richest man, I’d present myself as the world’s poorest, because I’d want people to want me for me. In fact, I’m so poor I want to be Guinness verified as The World’s Poorest—and I’m even willing to pay for the title (a bribe).
Tag: absurd
I used to sell chairs, until one day a customer told me that they weren’t dancing equipment. Turns out dancing doesn’t involve sitting in silence alone, and I’d been doing it wrong for years.
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VOTERS think their rights come from The Constitution, but I know that my FREEDOM comes from God. VOTERS worship a piece of paper that’s already been shredded and burned.
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The secret ingredient that makes duck soup tasty is swimming. That’s what gives it that fresh flavor.
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Sometimes my kitchen sink doubles as a duck pond. Problem is, I can’t exactly move my diving board, so I have to relocate Greg Louganis Hour to another slot, like one on the toaster.
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You cannot buy what’s not for sale. But for a limited time, you can purchase what may or may not exist.
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Fans of my writing often say, “Jarod, you write such romantic words! Why isn’t more of your poetry featured above truck stop urinals all along I-95?” The answer is I don’t know, but I’m humbled by the praise.
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Did you know Helen Keller was blind, deaf, and mute? OK, but did you know she taught herself how to read and write using only Alphabet Soup?
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It used to be that one dollar a month would feed a starving African child. But thanks to inflation, I guess they are now back to hunting and gathering—you know, the pursuit of kangz.
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When you hear my sales pitch, I want you to pretend you are Babe Ruth. I’ll pretend to be Peyton Manning, the greatest sports broadcaster of all insurance commercial actors.
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