Tag: absurd
I know someone who died of a broken heart. At least that’s what I hope the autopsy report shows, because I don’t have an alibi for that person’s last moment on earth.
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My last cardiologist said my heart problems are due to the fact that I love too hard, but I disagreed and so I fired him. This has negatively impacted the performance of my Toyota Camry, because my last cardiologist was also my car mechanic.
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Why am I offering Open Heart Surgery operations for ONLY $19.95? Simple: Because my heart has so much love to give. Also there’s the fact that I’ve never done one before, and so there’s a good chance I may forget to put your heart back in before I close up your chest.
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Why are you so weird? Why can’t you just be perfectly normal like me?
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When the doctor told me I didn’t have heart problems, but only because I didn’t actually have a heart, as my body has been running off of leftover meatloaf since birth, I could have either cried or offered a Buffet of Love, and for $19.95 you can taste my decision.
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I’m sorry I crashed the local economy when my passionate heart took down Branson’s power grid, but I’m not sorry for loving you with such ferocious magnitude.
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I’m such a romantic, and my heart was beating so fast while I wrote my Love Haiku/grocery list, that I forgot to include deodorant. Now I’m drenched with desire and passion.
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Actually, I do have other love making sizes to offer besides extra large, but they’re all boxed up in The Warehouse, and probably covered in cobwebs. But because you’re a valued customer, I’ll dust off the extra small to better serve you.
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My meatloaf is cow sushi, in that it’s absolutely raw. It tastes terrible, but it’s made with 100% Pure Love, and that’s why I hope you’ll take home all the leftovers before they get too stinky.
