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Author: jarodkintz1

A lot of people want to know about Jarod Kintz. Most of these people just want to know where they can find him so they can get their money back, but there are a few people who really want to know more about him, other than what they can decipher through his writings. Well, here are a few facts about Jarod for all you curious people out there. -Jarod often finds himself in a quandary over the meaning of life. Sometimes, like after he saw a pack of porcupines get run over by a truck, he feels the pointlessness of it all, and wonders how God could let such a thing happen to a new set of tires. -Jarod likes spending his weekends making cardboard houses for homeless people to live in, although he just hates asking to borrow their living rooms when he needs to move some stuff. -Jarod likes to credit all his success to a statement one of his early college professors, Dr. Franzenboebowitz, who said, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, either way you’re still a retard.” -After reading “The Art of War” by both Machiavelli and Sun Tzu, Jarod was heard saying, “I think both authors are so serious, and they could have greatly benefited from the use of my Binary Anal Defibrillator.” Consequently, he also feels this way about Nietzsche, Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, and Allen Ginsberg (though for much different reasons). -Jarod divides his time evenly between an abacus and one of those clever early 90s calculator watches. -Jarod once wrote a screenplay that ended with the main character crying in the rain screaming, “Curdled Milk!” Jarod figured that that was the ideal way to end a movie, because that way nobody could spoil the ending, since it had already gone bad anyway. -Jarod is excited that you have read this far, and would be greatly honored if you would follow the following link to Amazon.com to check out some more of his Random Thoughts for only .99 cents

You cannot buy what’s not for sale. But for a limited time, you can purchase what may or may not exist.

2022/01/05 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Ducks can run, swim, fly, and have reduced the complexity of language down to the easily memorizable word, “Quack.” No wonder their eggs taste like the achievements of Roger Bannister, Michael Phelps, Amelia Earhart, and William Shakespeare.

2022/01/05 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Every time a duck talks to you, it says, “Quack.” That’s a species so advanced it has reduced the complexity of communication down to a one-word language.

2022/01/04 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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The Flash can run, Aquaman can swim, and Superman can fly. Basically, every duck is like a Triple Superhero, and I think that’s worth a few billion dollars in ticket sales.

2022/01/04 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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People from Kansas drive as slow as corn grows. They think just as quickly, too, and I recommend a conversation with a tourist from there as a natural sleep remedy.

2022/01/03 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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I am The Mozart of Sportsball. If you think that’s cool, just imagine who I’d be if I actually played.

2021/12/31 jarodkintz11 Comment

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What produces power? Is it money or influence? What if the ultimate power in this dimension is just you working the land and farming?

2021/12/31 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Did you know that music is the only food you eat through your ears? I am the Mozart of the buffet world.

2021/12/31 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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People say jazz music puts them to sleep. As a master saxophone player, I don’t know if they’re trying to insult me or insinuating they found a holistic solution to their insomnia. I hope it’s the latter, because now my music comes in water-soluble tablets to be taken before bed.

2021/12/24 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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In middle school I fought a fat bully, and his punches felt like he had pillows for fists. Too bad he hit like a nap, because I was the one that put him to sleep.

2021/12/22 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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  • The secret ingredient that makes duck soup tasty is swimming. That’s what gives it that fresh flavor.
  • Sometimes my kitchen sink doubles as a duck pond. Problem is, I can’t exactly move my diving board, so I have to relocate Greg Louganis Hour to another slot, like one on the toaster.
  • A mutual fund manager will charge you 1.5% for the service of losing all your wealth. That’s foolish, because if your strategy is to lose all your money, I’ll do it for you for ONLY 1.49%.
  • The only basketball player I’ve ever liked is Larry Bird. To me, the only way Larry Bird could be better is if he were Larry Duck.
  • This song will be playing at all the hottest clubs from South Beach to Ibiza, and it will come to define Summer 2022. Babies will be made to this song.
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