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Author: jarodkintz1

A lot of people want to know about Jarod Kintz. Most of these people just want to know where they can find him so they can get their money back, but there are a few people who really want to know more about him, other than what they can decipher through his writings. Well, here are a few facts about Jarod for all you curious people out there. -Jarod often finds himself in a quandary over the meaning of life. Sometimes, like after he saw a pack of porcupines get run over by a truck, he feels the pointlessness of it all, and wonders how God could let such a thing happen to a new set of tires. -Jarod likes spending his weekends making cardboard houses for homeless people to live in, although he just hates asking to borrow their living rooms when he needs to move some stuff. -Jarod likes to credit all his success to a statement one of his early college professors, Dr. Franzenboebowitz, who said, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, either way you’re still a retard.” -After reading “The Art of War” by both Machiavelli and Sun Tzu, Jarod was heard saying, “I think both authors are so serious, and they could have greatly benefited from the use of my Binary Anal Defibrillator.” Consequently, he also feels this way about Nietzsche, Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, and Allen Ginsberg (though for much different reasons). -Jarod divides his time evenly between an abacus and one of those clever early 90s calculator watches. -Jarod once wrote a screenplay that ended with the main character crying in the rain screaming, “Curdled Milk!” Jarod figured that that was the ideal way to end a movie, because that way nobody could spoil the ending, since it had already gone bad anyway. -Jarod is excited that you have read this far, and would be greatly honored if you would follow the following link to Amazon.com to check out some more of his Random Thoughts for only .99 cents

This song will be playing at all the hottest clubs from South Beach to Ibiza, and it will come to define Summer 2022. Babies will be made to this song.

2022/04/10 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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McDonald’s makes my grandma’s leftover meatloaf look fresh. She died in 1999.

2022/02/16 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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If I wrote a dictionary, would you read it? What if I made it flow like a Nicholas Sparks romance novel?

2022/02/09 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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If you are what you eat, then this morning I am nothing. But at least I’m awake, because I’m drinking coffee and I don’t watch mainstream news.

2022/02/09 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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If a library has no books, it’s just an empty building, and people would know there had been a heist. But if you burn the library after you loot it, then it’s not a robbery, it’s a loss that won’t be looked for or pursued.

2022/01/07 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Helen Keller was a master at keeping secrets. Perhaps the biggest secret that she kept was that she was a he.

2022/01/07 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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You cannot buy what’s not for sale. But for a limited time, you can purchase what may or may not exist.

2022/01/05 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Ducks can run, swim, fly, and have reduced the complexity of language down to the easily memorizable word, “Quack.” No wonder their eggs taste like the achievements of Roger Bannister, Michael Phelps, Amelia Earhart, and William Shakespeare.

2022/01/05 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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Every time a duck talks to you, it says, “Quack.” That’s a species so advanced it has reduced the complexity of communication down to a one-word language.

2022/01/04 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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The Flash can run, Aquaman can swim, and Superman can fly. Basically, every duck is like a Triple Superhero, and I think that’s worth a few billion dollars in ticket sales.

2022/01/04 jarodkintz1Leave a comment

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  • This song will be playing at all the hottest clubs from South Beach to Ibiza, and it will come to define Summer 2022. Babies will be made to this song.
  • McDonald’s makes my grandma’s leftover meatloaf look fresh. She died in 1999.
  • If I wrote a dictionary, would you read it? What if I made it flow like a Nicholas Sparks romance novel?
  • If you are what you eat, then this morning I am nothing. But at least I’m awake, because I’m drinking coffee and I don’t watch mainstream news.
  • If a library has no books, it’s just an empty building, and people would know there had been a heist. But if you burn the library after you loot it, then it’s not a robbery, it’s a loss that won’t be looked for or pursued.
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